Ah yes Key. Where it all began. Let me start this all off be saying that if you told a much younger version of me (pre-2020) that I would become obsessed with kpop, he would never believe you. At that time I knew about kpop but never so much as bat an eyetowards it (is that how you use that phrase?). It was one of those things where I just accepted that I would never be interested in it so I never bothered to try it. Then came Squid Game. Which I know sounds random buttrust, it's relavent.

So after watching the masterpiece that was Squid Game season 1, I naturally wanted to check out behind the scenes stuff and interviews because I had just became so attached to a cast of actors and actresses that I wasn'tfamiliar with. I think because I was suddenly searching about a bunch of stuff on youtube about Squid Game, which is a kdrama, youtube thought I would be interested in other korean related stuff - and oh boy was the youtubealgorithm right. Specifically, it recommended a video from the youtube channel 'Pixid' called 'Find a fake fan of SHINee KEY in a chat room'. It seemed random but interesting since it reminded me of jubilee, so I decidedto check it out. Even though I didn't know who Key was, I thoroughly enjoyed the video. I actually recommend checking it out even if you're not interested in Key or even kpop before I spoil what happened in it.

(Ths paragraph explains what happened in the video, skip if you plan on watching it)So in the video, Key was supposed to act as the 'Mole', in that he was supposed to be the fake fan that was pretending to be a real fan.The admin, who was the moderator for the chat, would ask questions to provoke discussions. Naturally, being Key himself, acting as a real fan was easy and he had a lot of fun talking to his fans. They got along so well that they started to ignore the prompts from the admin, LMAO. They started saying stuff like 'Hey, let's hang out after this!'. They also talked about how much Key meant to them, how he inspired them and how his music made them feel better when they were down. In natural jubilee fashion, after each round they had to vote on who was the mole. In the end they ended up voting one of his fans instead of him lol. Eventually, when they removed the blinders and allowed them to look at eachother, the fans reacted exactly as you would expect true fans to react when they're sitting next to their idol. They screamed, they ran, they were in awe.

Naturally, this video made me very curious. What was pixid? What is 'SHINee KEY'? Is his name 'SHINee KEY' (lol)? After some browsing around I got my answers - pixid is effectively a korean jubilee, SHINee was the groupthat 'Key Kibum' belong to and his real name was 'Kim Ki-bum', Key is just his stage name. So I thought, 'This is interesting, what's his music like?' and I searched something along the lines of 'key kibum live'. And that'swhen I found that video - oh that video. The very video that would change my life for the foreseeable future.

'SHINee Key - Born To Shine'



I clicked on it. The crowd was going crazy. It got even crazier as he entered the stage. And there he was - pink hair and he was dressed up like.... a dominatrix... he had a stick/whip too. Most of his from torso wasrevealed with some sort of leather strap attached.

For the first time in my life, I looked at a man and couldn't stop thinking about how fucking sexy he was. There was a certain point in the video where I just couldn't stop looking at his abs - they were smooth and sweaty,giving them this sort of polished feel. I watched it again and again and again. I went to sleep thinking about it. I woke up thinking about it. Thinking about him - he became very skillful and very successful at a youngage. So many things were going on in my head.

First of all, I happy to see so many people so obsessed with his figure - he's kind of skinny but muscular. Just like me. For my entire life up till that point I didn't think it was possible for anyone to adore a figure like mine. I told myself I was too small, too skinny. Men are supposed to be big and muscular with broad shoulders and a wide back. But here people were idolising someone who was far from that - someone who was like me. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying my figure as attractive as his - I'm skinny and a bit muscular but I slouch sometimes and don't have anywhere near the confidence that he has. By simply presenting himself, he made merealise that the whole idea of what a an 'should' look like was just a bunch of made up nonsense that the people around me forced me to think. All my life I've been told that I was small, that if a bee stung me it's stingermight pass through (lol), that I was a bag made of skin with only bones inside, that my parents didn't love me and didn't feed me enough (even when I was perfectly satisfied with what they gave me, at least most of the time). But now I can confidently say - I'm small and I like it that way. I don't want to get big and muscular, I never did. I'm fine just the way I am. Thank you Key.

Second of all - up till this point I had never questioned my sexuality, I knew I was straight, but now I had a reason to. If I remember correctly, not long after finding Key I started watchng this gay korean couple on youtube. And I'm not gonna lie, in some ways it gave me the feels. All of this made me question my life. Am I gay? Since when was I gay? How could I never realise something like that if it was true? Then a couple thingsstood out to me when looking back on my life with this new lense. I've never been the most 'boyish' boy. I'm not as wild as other boys and in fact I often find myself interacting better with girls. Back in primary schoolmy friend group was made up of girls only. There was this one time - in second year I think - where I had this one male friend. I will never forget that I randomly had this dream of him once. I remember it because, well - he was shirtless in my dream and there were explosions behind him. At the time I told myself to forget about it and that it was super weird. Also before I continue I should let you know - in my country back then and evennow, homosexuality is unfortunately not accepted. The population is filled with a bunch of old and religious people with old and religious ideals. I hate it and it's one of the many reasons I want to live somewhere else -but that's a story for another day. Point is, a younger version of me adopted these homophobic ideals. Hence, why I told myself to forget that weird dream.

But thinkng back on it with my new, none-homophobic mindset, I wondered - maybe I really did just like the guy? There was also this random old disney channel movie where this boy was a merman and I always that he wasattractive and I always told myself that I wish he was my best friend. Also, I went to a boys only high school and there was, again, this one guy who I thought 'looked cool' and I wanted to be 'friends' with him. But what did I really want? Maybe I wanted more?

Recalling all of these past events really made me question my sexuality. And to be completely honest, if you were to ask me for a definative answer on that to day. I'm not sure I would be able to give the answer to you. I've never been sexually attracted to a man but I have been to women. But at the same time I can't just ignore those times when all those boys made me feel something. When Key made me feel something. Oh yeah! I'm supposedto be talking about Key, heh~

Well I think all of this is still relavent. I mean I hope that you can now start to understand why Key is so important to me. But there's still more;

Third of all, he made me heavily reflect on my life. What was I doing with my life? I was almost done with Form 5 and I still didn't really know what my future looked like. And I realised, I wasn't good at anything. I used to be the smart guy in class who was also super innocent and was seen as 'the good boy'. But I had slowly gotten worse and worse at studying - so even that one thing I had was gone. I was...useless. While Key had already debuted as an idol by my age, I wasn't good at anything, I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, what career I wanted. I'm gonna be honest this was probably the lowest point in my life. I had been around for 17 years and without accomplishing a single thing. I genuinely did not want to exist. Now, I don't want to make it sound like Key made me feel bad about myself, he just opened my eyes is all. It took some time to be able to accept myself after this realisation. To be okay with myself despite my imperfections. But eventually I got on my feet and got into drawing and game development. And thanks to those things - I'm still alive and trying today. I have goals. I have ambitions. I have - a future.

None of these things would've happened without Key.

Key, I fucking love you.



(W.I.P.)